Grace Marie left behind a career in early childhood special education to indulge her passion for writing, BDSM, and performance art. She currently resides in Los Angeles and writes about power, play, politics, and perversity as they relate to her experience as a professional dominant and lifestyle switch.

 

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Photographed by Fetigraph

Off-site quotes and interviews:

You can learn about some of the music that inspires her by reading her interview with Aimee Cliff for Dazed Digital. Grace Marie’s response to the Backpage crackdown was featured in The Associated Press and you can find her commentary in the article written by AP journalist, Martha Irvine, here. More recently, Grace sat down with Sunnivie Brydum of The Advocate to candidly discuss her views on sex work. The content below is all original and written by Grace Marie.

Blog:

April 8, 2016

Beyond The Safe Zone

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White Boots And Wish Lists. Grace Marie c. 1987

Beyond The Safe Zone

There was a big green field in front of a white church near the place where I lived when I was 5 years old… I loved visiting this quiet empty space, this wasteland…

I, like most American children in 1985, spent my free time outdoors without constant supervision. We all knew the physical boundaries, like, “don’t go into the street” and the time constraints, like, “come home when the street lights come on”… For the most part I followed these rules, but there was something about that lush field beyond the “safe” zone….

The expanse of green stretching all the way to the street, the forbidden zone… It called to me…

I would sneak off whenever I could, sit in the middle of this field, and think about how small and vulnerable I was. The excitement of knowing that I had ventured beyond the assigned boundaries would make my tiny heart race…

My mind wandered to (and wondered at) these strangers I had heard about… The ones who would pull their cars over, offer me candy, and take me away. I would think about their size and their power in relation to my scrawny 40 lb body… The knowledge of my supposed weakness was overwhelming.

The cars rolled past… Never stopping, not even slowing down enough to notice me. I remember thinking “It’s not true, big people don’t want to take me away.” The free candy never materialized either.

When I became a Dominatrix at 29, the small handful of people I confided in expressed their worry “What if you get attacked in a session?” Or “How do you know these guys won’t flip out on you?”

Almost 7 years later, I’ve still never been attacked during a session. I tell my worried friends and family that “most people are good.” It’s a good thing to remember…

If you dare to visit the forbidden zone, you’ll most likely find out that it isn’t full of scary monsters at all… Just people in cars, driving by, minding their own business.

October 20, 2015

You Too Can Lose Everything: How Saying “Yes” To Art Has Changed My Life And Shaped My Perspective On D/s Relationships.

 

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In December of 2011 I became a slave. That is, I made a conscious decision to say “yes” to anything having to do with art. I had resigned from the school district just six months prior, and I needed something else for my entire life to be about. I was living off my savings mostly, working here and there as a (closeted) Pro-Domme, and trying to unlearn everything I knew. To be honest, my former job had started to feel a bit like The Truman Show, but my BDSM sessions felt more real than “real life” and I would soon discover that performing for a larger audience had the same effect.

I had never performed publicly, but when my psychic hairdresser told me she thought I should join an arts and music collective (and perform with them on New Year’s Eve) I had to honor the contract I made with myself; I had no choice but to say yes.

The experience of preparing for the performance — costume construction and all the rest — was totally surreal. I was in the studio every day, rehearsing, and going back and forth with musicians over timing. I was meeting so many new people; passionate people, charming people, people who were excited to be doing what they were doing. It was a far cry from the teacher’s lounge.

I’ve been thinking about this choice to say yes, and how my life has changed drastically as a result. I’ve been thinking about it in terms of the sense of clarity and liberation I feel in relation to that choice, and about how this freedom (via submission) relates in many ways to committing to a healthy D/s relationship. I can’t stress the healthy part enough.

Those of us who have ever had a relationship with anything or anyone understand that relationships can be fraught with confusion and anguish. The temptation to throw in the towel at the first sign of failure is strong. This impulse to just give up is due in part to the plague of choice; with so many people and so much content floating around, I’m surprised that anyone is able to commit to anything. For the sake of this article, I’m concerned with the connection between commitment and identity.

Identity isn’t something that develops overnight, it first requires a choice, then a commitment. Persistently saying yes in the face of fear, improbability, and self-criticism has brought more and more art and community into my life. I currently live with two other artists who are also professional dominants. I now fully identify as an artist and someone who is committed to building community around art and BDSM but that wasn’t always the case.

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The Age of Atonement (my very first performative) Photographed by Alejandra Abreu

My first performative, on the eve of 2012, was terrifying. Filled with doubt and excuses for why I absolutely should not perform publicly, I pushed through the inner gatekeepers and made it to the other side. Almost four years later, my art practice continues to evolve and I’ve met some of the most extraordinary and talented people via collaboration (my favorite way to create).

I didn’t attend an art school, I just happen to love artistic collaboration. I don’t care about grants or gallery representation or fame or recognition from anyone other than my collaborators. I just want to make art that I find interesting, with people whom I respect, and I’ll keep doing that so long as my circumstances afford me the privilege. I don’t need anyone to validate me as an artist — you are what you worship, not what worships you — I became an artist the moment I said yes to art. My identity, as in the “I am” part of being an artist is an ongoing process.

The process of finding, and submitting to, a professional or lifestyle Dominant seems to me to be quite similar in nature to finding any purpose. The one and only question in mind should be “Do I believe in this person, this practice, this hobby, this career, this fill in the blank?” Faith is the crucial ingredient — if you don’t have it you’re not going to get very far. I’ve learned a lot about faith from my submissive play partners.

My very first kinky partner used to address me as “God” during our play… not Goddess, but God. One of my clients who became my lifestyle submissive once said to me “If I didn’t think of you as the most beautiful, most powerful woman in the world why would I want to submit to you?” Had I cast a spell on him? Had he hypnotized himself? Were we just a great fit? Does it matter? He was happy to serve and I was happy to receive his service. Life really can be that simple. Yes, Art. Yes, Ma’am. Yes, God.

Regrettably, hearts and minds tend to complicate matters. I’ve seen promising D/s relationships dissolve when one or both parties begin to doubt why they are doing what they’re doing. They start to lose faith in what they’re creating together. They fear a loss of self. They feel ashamed or embarrassed. They want their identity to be consistent. I could go on and on. Unfortunately, many people remain in patterns of relating that are no longer serving them simply to maintain an identity that isn’t particularly serving them either; doing cognitive dissonance pilates in their heads until they croak.

I’m not suggesting that you commit to the first practice or person who comes along just to prove you can do, nor would I recommend that you stay in an unhealthy D/s dynamic for life because you said “yes” in happier times. Questioning, or “checking in” is always a healthy move — it tests us and ultimately reinforces who we are and what we want.

I question my identity as an artist, mostly when I want to do something else that satisfies my hedonistic, pleasure-seeking self. For example, when making plans to attend the 2015 Folsom Street Fair months ago, I purchased tickets to see the Grace Jones Concert at The Fox Theatre (the night before the fair) in Oakland. Needless to say, my weekend was shaping up to be on-point. With exceptionally cruel timing, my Mistress, Art called and said “Don’t go to the Grace Jones concert. Come perform at The Church of Noise (aka The Life Changing Ministry) in Oakland instead.”

I felt the resistance creeping up… The existential crisis… “Why am I doing this art thing, anyway?” The hedonist in me… “I should just go dance and have fun and forget about art.” And finally, the scorekeeper… “What has art done for me lately?” Not to mention I had been sick with bronchitis during the week leading up to the concert, so I deserved a break, right?

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Love Gasoline (My most recent performative collaboration with Carmina Escobar)
Photographed by GC Erenberg

It took me about a day to squash my resistence, but I got rid of it and I’m so happy that I did.
My collaborator looked at me after the show and said “That was Amazing!” Then, with compassion eyes, she said “Aw, but Grace Jones.” By that point I didn’t even care, because when you find that thing or that person to say yes to, the act of submitting to something greater than yourself fills you up so completely that everything else seems tiny by comparison.

Is my art practice Domming the shit out of me? Sure, but the benefits are pretty amazing! So go out and find your God. Find Her and say “yes” to Her… Even if you’re terrified. You will have to make sacrifices. You will question yourself. You will feel challenged, but I promise it will change your life.

September 9,2015

An Open Letter To Parents Of Sex Workers

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Dear concerned parent:

It’s not your life, so get over it.

Sincerely,

A grown-ass person making choices for hirself

 

August 21, 2015

Erotic Empathy: The Perks and Pitfalls of My Sexy Superpower

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Night Reading. 2013. Photo: Anonymous

“What are You into?” Eager submissives, longing to please, ask me this question all the time. I usually respond with “I enjoy pushing boundaries.” or I’ll say “Dynamics are, well, dynamic…” Every dynamic holds the potential for change, and what I’m into with one person might not be very interesting at all with somebody else. I enjoy all kinds of kinky activities, but the activities are always secondary to the feeling.

Until recently I had that one word, chemistry, to describe what goes on during play time. I’ve always known that my experience is far more nuanced than that, but language is like a waiting room — you’re just sort of stuck there until new words offer to escort you into the next, hopefully more spacious and elegant, room.

I recently visited an Intuitive Reader, Mia Simone, who provided me with new language to describe what makes me so unique as a Dominant — the gift of Erotic Empathy.

Erotic Empathy is a kind of empathic telepathy, with a specific focus on another person’s sexuality and desire. I guess this makes me the Jean Grey of the BDSM world and, like all mutants, I’m wondering if there are others like me. I know what you must be thinking: Telepathy? Seriously? What does that even mean? I’m trying to wrap my head around it, too. Writing helps me understand, and I’ll do my best to shed some light on my experience.

As a small child I remember being schooled on the five senses. My kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Hiromoto, a small woman in her 50’s with salt and pepper curls lovingly explained the wonders and limitations of human perception. There we sat, mesmerized, on brightly colored carpet squares at her feet, soaking up every last drop of information she generously bestowed. Mrs. Hiromoto remains one of my favorite teachers to this day, but her lesson plan on sensory perception didn’t exactly prepare me for Erotic Empathy.

It makes sense that I’m gaining a deeper understanding of my sexy superpower at this point in time — I’m at a place of deep transformation and personal growth. My practice is evolving and so am I, so I relate to my ability to connect deeply with others as a kind of anchor — a constant in a sea of change.

It’s obvious to me now that I had been taking this gift for granted, assuming that everyone could experience instant chemistry with others. I’m not talking about acting — I’m talking about creating a deep, wholehearted, embodied connection with another human being for the sake of connecting and creating. The ability to tap into this kind of information in others is not as common as I had once believed and everyone relates to intimacy a little differently.

My relationship to kink has primarily been about the feeling(s) I sense in my submissive, in myself, and in the third thing that we create together; our session or scene. The success of this third thing hinges upon the information provided to me prior to our session (via phone or email), the submissive’s ability to open up to me during our session, and my willingness and ability to read their energy. If all of this sounds too “woo woo” for you, try and imagine how I must feel during the experience.

So what does it feel like to be a Pro-Domme practicing Erotic Empathy?

For me it’s all about letting go and allowing the information, rather than my ego, direct the scene. It feels like a fluid conversation between myself and the information I’m receiving — I allow the feelings of my submissive to pool up inside of me. Once I’ve gathered enough information I release my response, whether it be sensual or sadistic, and I work hard to maintain that call and response until the end of the scene. Colloquially speaking, I’m picking up what you’re putting down. Apparently, if I’m not careful, I could end up feeling depleted by holding onto something I’ve picked up. Fortunately, Mia provided me with some tools for staying on top of my EE game so I can continue to share my gifts in a sustainable fashion.

As she sat across from me with her eyes closed, my sexy superpower was the first thing she picked up on. I transcribed her reading of my Energy Signature, and as I was re-reading her words a few days later, I realized that this gift might be affecting me in ways I have not been fully aware of… Mia began the reading by saying:

“You’re really good at what you do. You’re very intuitive so it’s like you have a sixth sense about people and there’s an entanglement that happens during your sessions. It’s almost like the interaction leaves you thinking about things that don’t have anything to do with you.”

 

 

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Say Something. 2013. Photo: Anonymous

The word entanglement evokes images of bondage — terrifying and arousing all at once. It sounds powerful and dangerous, and I want to understand how to manage it. Is it possible to be so open and receptive while maintaining control of a scene?

As the reading went on Mia answered my other questions, but she always came back to my sexy superpower. I realized that she too was riding that wave of information, in her own way, so I shifted my focus back to Erotic Empathy — the obvious theme of the reading.

“So what about my own abilities?” I finally asked “Can you help me understand my most recent intuitive moment in the kitchen with my housemate?” I felt like I was back in the confessional of my childhood parish, as I admitted to “reading” my friend and colleague without her express permission. “She came home and told me she had a crush on a girl — I was able to see, feel, and describe the girl in great detail without any clues… the images and words just appeared and came up out of me.” I admitted “I don’t know what that was or what I’m supposed to make of it.”

Mia didn’t make a big fuss about it, saying “It makes sense that you were able to describe the girl she was crushing on because the signals she was giving off had to do with desire and sexuality. You’re practicing Erotic Empathy and you’re very good at it — it’s like you don’t even have to try.”

Erotic Empathy! There it was in not-so-plain english… Mind… Blown!

She reassured me, saying “I think you do know what to do with it — you’re doing it!”

With Mia’s kind words wrapped around me like so many warm hugs, her guidance was welcome “It’s okay to merge during sessions,” she said “but there needs to be a clear ending when the session is completed. Burn white sage or write down the name of your submissive on a piece of paper and get rid of it. This ritual is important — it will help you keep the separation you need. As long as you’re practicing good boundaries, you should be fine.”

Almost everyone comes with some baggage, and that can leave an Erotic Empath like me feeling drained. Baggage isn’t necessarily good or bad — it’s just information, data. I’m not judging anyone’s baggage, I’m just happy that I have some new tools in my giant box of woo woo to help with all of it.

Thanks, Mia!

For more information about Mia Simone, visit her website. If you’re looking for a highly skilled intuitive, she definitely fits the bill.

 

 

July 2, 2015

Charge is Declined: Tom Dart’s Annoying Crusade and The People It’s Actually Hurting

Ten Days. The amount of time I have until my current Backpage ad expires. In ten days I had better be a fucking genius at Bitcoin. I’m a Professional Dominant and most of my clients find me through Backpage. Up until yesterday, Backpage accepted the Visa card that came with my business account, y’know, the one I pay taxes on like any other small business owner. That’s all over now, thanks to Tom Dart.

Backpage still accepts Bitcoin, an open source peer to peer payment system for which I suddenly need a crash course. I downloaded a mobile version of Bitcoin this morning. It’s called Ninki, and during my initial setup there was a five minute period where an announcement kept popping up on the screen “cannot connect to Ninki servers”… I waited, poured myself a cup of tea, and my mind wandered… I’m sitting in class… The Sociology of Time… The Professor says “Alright everybody, we’re going to try an experiment. Put your phones away, take off your watches, refrain from counting, and when you believe that five minutes have passed you may stand up and walk out into the hallway.”… Five minutes… Ten days….

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Charge is Declined: Tom Dart’s Annoying Crusade and The People It’s Actually Hurting

In the name of “anti-trafficking,” Cook County, Ill. Sheriff Thomas Dart put pressure on Visa and Mastercard to prohibit the use of their cards to pay for adult ads on Backpage.com.

Tom Dart.

With a name like that he must have been an easy target for school children — tiny masters at the art of rhyming, and cruelty.
Dart’s crusade paints a gruesome picture of sex work — a landscape rife with bad guys and boogeymen kidnapping young girls and selling their weak little bodies to other bad guys and boogeymen for profit. I see red just thinking about Tom Dart and his stupid toupee. My eyes narrow “What does he know about sex work?” The last time I felt my blood really boil like this was when the Craigslist adult gigs section was shut down, following the “Craigslist Killer” fiasco, in 2010.

Guess who? Dart strikes again.

The adult gigs section of Craigslist was free, and a great resource for sex workers. As a system, it was decidedly anti-pimp insofar as it created a direct, free, and easy to use interface between providers and clients. But where’s the sensationalism in that? America needs a boogeyman, it would seem, and where there’s a boogeyman, there’s likely a Daddy close behind to flip on the lights and ease your poor worried mind. All better. You can go back to sleep now.

Here’s the rub: People can be abused or killed anywhere, in any relationship, and in any occupation. Some children bully other children and call them names… names like, oh I don’t know, “Little Tommy Fart” for instance. Does this cruel fact of life mean all children should be barred from speaking to each other?

Spousal abuse is another very real problem — shall we outlaw marriage next?

The real problem with our society is this idea that someone, like Tom Dart, or something, like credit card prohibition, can fix it. The temptation of the fairy tale ending is a very real and present danger – in this overly simplistic worldview there’s an obvious hero and a very clear villain, and zero effort is required on the part of the consumer.

Everyone can agree that forced sex work does happen, it’s awful, and it isn’t something I intend to downplay. Making light of such a horrific crime would not only be callous and insensitive, it would also be terrible PR, which is exactly why it was so easy for Tom Dart to get MasterCard and Visa to sever ties with Backpage Adult Services.

Visa looks good, Tom Dart looks good, and I now have to learn how to navigate Bitcoin… other than that, absolutely nothing has changed. Crude roadblocks, strategically placed in the pathway of adults who engage in consensual sex work, aren’t doing anything to help the victims of forced sex work aka “human trafficking” (have I mentioned how deeply I loathe this nebulous term? My liberal use of quotations should have tipped you off.)
If Tom Dart isn’t helping to stop pimps and “traffickers” then what is he doing? If I had to guess? I’d say he’s trying to get elected. This kind of political posturing is just too easy, and it’s unoriginal. The White Male Martyr archetype is nothing new, and Tom Dart is all too eager to carry the torch forward — selflessly helping all those people who (insert phony sobs) don’t even know they’re people.

Waging a war on “trafficking” is kind of like waging a war on “terrorism” and it begs the question — who is being directly affected by all of this? For a more in-depth analysis of the war on sex workers I highly recommend reading this article written by Melissa Gira Grant. I was lucky enough to meet and talk with her briefly when she visited LA on her book tour last year.

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Here I am, nerding out hard and being a fan girl at Stories Books and Cafe in Echo Park, with Ms. Grant, who graciously read from her magnum opus Playing The Whore: The Work of Sex Work.

Addendum 7/28/15

Further clarification and linkage for all you research-y types… You know who you are!

Federal Law Definition of Sex Trafficking – “Sex trafficking is the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for the purposes of a commercial sex act, in which the commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person induced to perform such an act has not attained 18 years of age”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 30, 2015

The Professional Dominant’s Guide To Defeating a Wanker

 

Toni Morrison once said “If there’s a book you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” I feel like Ms. Morrison’s sentiment can be extended to the spoken word, poetry, and yes, even humble blog posts. I honestly wish that someone had written this post for me years ago.

No matter how seasoned you are at vetting new clients, we all have moments where we’re not so sure about a guy, and it’s good to have a cheat sheet by your side to let you know if he’s for real or not. Just like in poker, with a wanker, there’s always a tell. If you’re a Pro-Domme and  haven’t come across more than one of the following wanker archetypes I’ll eat my Louboutin.

Where these men find the time to make calls and send emails they have no intention of following up on I’ll never know, but forewarned is forearmed!

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Photograph by Bob Maverick

The Professional Dominant’s Guide To Defeating a Wanker

They’re known as wankers — Men who call and never session. I’m not talking about people who prefer skype or phone sessions to in person liaisons. I’m talking about the time wasters, disapprovingly nicknamed “wankers” for their nasty habit of using our precious time for their physical, or mental, masturbation. They might even book a session and never show up. I spend at least 10 minutes per day defeating a wanker, and at this point I’m pretty good at it. In an attempt to “give back” for the greater good of society (or anti-society, depending on how you look at it) I’ve compiled this list to help my sisters hone their super powers and, in turn, waste less of their precious time. Read on to learn more about the top five “wankers” and the superpowers you will need to defeat them.

Wanker #1 The Virtual Reality Wanker

You’re taking a work call, he’s using your voice as a surrogate session. You’re polite and professional, he’s milking it for all it’s worth. If he’s asking a LOT of questions about what’s about to happen chances are you’re speaking with the Virtual Reality Wanker. Your voice is his Oculus Rift, and he has no shame when it comes to wasting your time. This wanker has mastered the art of visualization and antisocial behavior. He doesn’t even require your presence to feel as though he’s had a session with you. This wanker can only be defeated with The Power of Re-Direction. Responding vaguely to his questions and asking him to send an email will usually derail this crazy train. 999 times out of 1,000 he won’t send an email. For the one guy who does follow up, have your canned response at the ready and ALWAYS ask for a deposit.

Wanker #2 The Big Payoff Wanker

A real carrot-dangler, The Big Payoff Wanker keeps you on the phone with promises of all the money he will eventually give to you. When put to the test with a meager $50 deposit he will have some absurd excuse. He’ll likely say that he’s squeamish about making online purchases, y’know, like most people are when they have money to burn. This is probably one of the most obvious of all the wankers. If you’ve spent much time around financially wealthy people you know that they don’t constantly announce how much money they have and/or how eager they are to part with said money. In fact, most wealthy folks I know are quite modest and frugal — how do you think they became wealthy in the first place? Fair warning: The Big Payoff Wanker will call back more than once, with bigger carrots each time, and you’ll never even get so much as a nibble. I highly recommend the Power of Call-Blocking to defeat this wanker.

Wanker #3 The TMI Wanker

Verbose is an understatement when it comes to this one. I recently had siri “speak” one of these emails to me while I was driving. 30 minutes later, when I had arrived at my destination, siri was still speaking. I would include an excerpt from one of many dissertation length emails I’ve received over the years, however, I respect your time so I try to keep my blog posts under five minutes. This wanker can manifest in call or email form and he is the only wanker you may physically meet, for an actual session. The trickiest of all the wankers, the TMI Wanker can only be defeated with the combined Powers of Intuition and Discernment. You’ll have to draw a distinction — is it poor communication skills (not necessarily harmful) or bad boundaries (always harmful)? Is his email simply a thought-purge, or is it laced with supposed intimacy, assumptions, and expectations. Stay strong, Ladies, this guy will keep you on your toes!

Wanker #4 The I’m Too Good to Pay For it Wanker

He usually wants to take you out on a date before he commits to a session, y’know, to see if there’s “something there”. Perhaps you offer a social hour type session on your website, specifically for said outings. He’ll have you know that he’s far too romantic for all of that nonsense! He’s better than those other guys who HAVE to pay for it. He’s so much more datable than the TV stars, best selling authors, and CFO’s you take pity on, and he deserves your time… for free. You may want to use The Power of Coupling to defeat this wanker. Much like when you were young and you used your parents as an excuse for not hanging out with certain friends. In this case, where your availability is so flippantly taken for granted, it helps to invent a significant other. By inventing an “it’s nothing personal’ excuse, his large and fragile ego will remain intact, and you can seamlessly roll on with your work day.

Wanker #5 The Sounds Like the Fuzz Wanker

Maybe he isn’t a cop, maybe he is. Either way he’s trying to get you to use quid pro quo language. His relentless pursuit of a definitive answer regarding what will take place during session is inappropriate and tiresome. Some examples include “So it is ok for me to…?” and “Do you do…?” and “How much for…?” This wanker is either completely devoid of tact or he’s undercover. Either way, these exchanges will never result in a session and could leave you vulnerable. The only way to defeat this wanker is to employ The Power of Less is More. Your responses to his vulgar questions should always err on the side of caution, respectively “I would love to get together with you!” and “I’m a fetishist, so I enjoy a variety of activities!” and “The money you donate is considered a gift, beyond that anything that happens is between two consenting adults who happen to enjoy the same activities.”

Congratulations! You are now prepared to take down at least five wankers. If you found this post helpful, stay tuned for more! XO Goddess Grace Marie

 

May 26, 2015

The Pleasure of Being Gonged: An Exercise in Humiliation

Those of you who know me, or follow me closely, know that I’m a performance artist. I have a background in Ritual Theatre, Environmental Theatre, and Butoh. I’ve incorporated elements of endurance into some of my work, and I’m currently obsessed with performing and seeing others perform vulnerabilities and humiliations.

My most recent live performative took place at Eastside International, for Gong Show. I was trying to be gonged, which is harder than it sounds — adults can be so polite! My plan worked perfectly, down to the timing of the gong (over which I had no control). I know that some of you can appreciate the highs and lows of humiliation, so read on to learn more about the pleasure of being gonged.

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Still From Trulee Hall’s Video Shoot (Lattice Pink Set) 

The Pleasure of Being Gonged: An Exercise in Humiliation

A friend of mine recently told me that I have a mellifluous voice, which means to have a smooth, rich flow, or filled with something, as honey, that sweetens. I started to think about how seldom I’ve used my voice for performatives. I prefer to use my body, eye language, and the psychological gesture to convey a feeling, or as a way to transform the body into a concept or a specimen.

I have always been hesitant to use my voice during performatives — the voice can be so violent and I didn’t trust myself with it…. I still don’t, not fully, but I love pushing my own boundaries (as well as yours!) and I wanted to do something that I had never done before.

When I heard about Gong Show I immediately knew what my performance would be. I would tell a deeply personal and painful narrative about myself to an audience of people who came to be entertained. I would not entertain them. My story would be awful and they would feel sorry for me. I would not use my mellifluous voice, I would not wear a sexy outfit, and I would not rehearse very much or look at my notes during my delivery. I would fumble for the words. The judges would gong me, and I would feel my stomach turning, heart racing, mind unravelling. I would be humiliated and that would be overwhelming, surreal, and transformative…maybe.

A friend asked me “what if they don’t gong you?” In such a case, I would have finished my story. But they did gong me, and with more poetic timing than I could have hoped for — the experience exceeded my expectations and only deepened my understanding of, and obsession with, humiliation. Luckily, I’m not alone in my current obsession.

In Wayne Koestenbaum’s book Humiliation he describes the elements necessary for composing a humiliation; the victim, the abuser, and the witness. This begs the question: Which role should I play? The only one I know how to play, of course, all three.
As a gong show participant who was not interested in winning, I played my own abuser, but I was also victim and witness to the process of performing humiliation. This masochist-centric humiliation is more about the internal effects of the experience; the sensations and feelings that take place in the heart, mind, and body of the player. The majority of humiliation play in the BDSM scene revolves around the sadist, or the role Koestenbaum labels “the abuser”.

My gong show judges (abusers) were on point that night. In the cuntiest voice I have ever heard, the judge who gonged me shared this gem with everyone: “I like being held hostage, but not when I’m bored.” As he held up his score card, the number 2 scrawled hastily in the middle there, another judge dismissed me with “You lost me at “love,“ to which I beamed and giggled, for it was right after saying the words “she always taught me that to love was the most important thing” that I had been gonged — pure poetry!

I took my seat in the crowd and watched the remaining acts, which were very amusing overall. When the final gong was sounded and everyone stood up to have a beer, or a cigarette I realized I needed none of those things… I was still buzzing from my performance! I flitted around, chatting up this person and that person — gossiping a little. “Yes, I used to date what’s-his-name — what a disaster!” And “Yes, it was a true story.” And “Yes, I was trying to be gonged.” And “Can we seriously talk about humiliation?” At one point someone was saying something to me that I found particularly exciting, and I began jumping up and down! I had so much vivacious and gregarious energy and I have humiliation to thank for it.

Why is this emotionally uncomfortable, pity-inducing, loss of esteem-encouraging, masochist-centric humiliation so good? At my core I know that I am not pitiful, less-than, or better-than anyone else and I think that is what allows me to enjoy giving and receiving humiliation. Humiliation is a place that I can visit, but I don’t have to live there, and I don’t have to take said visits so seriously.

If we can’t laugh at ourselves, then we probably don’t have much compassion or patience for other people. If we can’t laugh at other people, chances are we can’t see the humor in our own faux-paus. The capacity to endure humiliation allows for us to be in community with others. Humiliation is central to being human, and yet, we are constantly trying to avoid humiliation.

The fact that we are existing in vulnerable fleshy bodies, subject to disability, sickness, and death requires that we endure the initial and inevitable humiliation of need — as babies, and as elderly beings we require someone else to care for us. In between these stages of life we would like to pretend that we don’t need anyone, but this is a lie. We need others to witness us, to laugh at us and with us and for us, to tell us when we’re fucking up and when we’re awesome!

Humiliation as play, as performance, whether it’s sadist-centric or masochist-centric is a wonderful way to remind ourselves of our vulnerability and our need to be witnessed. Anything to break the monotony, to turn the norm on it’s head, is probably (always) a good idea.

January 15, 2015

What’s in a Name? On Using My Birth Name for Domme Work and Why I Consider this a Radical Act

As some of you may already know I recently moved in with Mistresses Lucy Khan and Rebecca Knox. As my friends and colleagues become more like my chosen family I’m learning quite a bit about how we are alike, and the ways in which we are quite different. I now know that most Dommes own significantly more power tools than their subs, we can take baths like it ain’t nobodies business, and most of us don’t use our birth name for work… except for this girl… right here. True story. Am I worried? Not so much. Read on to find out why not. XO Grace Marie

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What’s in a Name? On Using My Birth Name for Domme Work and Why I Consider this a Radical Act

First Name: Grace

Middle Name: Marie

Last Name: Let’s not get too carried away….

When I first began Domming, I was also teaching. Naturally, I didn’t dare post a photo of myself or use my real name. I didn’t even advertise — I was strictly answering posted ads. I’ve been a Professional Dominant since 2009 (more technically, since the moment I first answered an ad on the now defunct ‘adult gigs’ section of craigslist). I wasn’t afraid to meet up — it was sort of like online dating for the kinky set.

A cuckold, a foot fetishist, a priest(!) and others were there waiting for my response and offering “250 ROSES” for certain activities that were fascinating to me. Scouring the LA craigslist for people who sounded like they were serious about paying for a session was never boring. “So…you have an apartment full of balloons for me to pop with my rear end? Perfect! That’ll be $300.” I call this period of my career the “below deck” or “field research” phase. I learned a lot while remaining somewhat invisible by using two separate pseudonyms during this time.

First, I was Charlie Anne. Then, I took a break and emerged again as Mistress Merkhet. These names both held special meaning for me, but they never really felt like me. My birth name is Grace Marie. I’m named after my (maternal) great grandmother and I’ve always loved my name. When I first meet people and tell them my name, it feels so nice to watch their faces light up as they tell me how much they love the name Grace.

I would probably use my surname if I felt connected to it in any way. It’s much more common in Germany than it is here and, as far as Google is concerned, I’m the only Grace with it. It was given to me by my father, and while I don’t feel the need to totally reject this symbol of patriarchal ownership, VALIE EXPORT style, it doesn’t resonate with me for the sake of my practice.

Just two years after my resignation from the school district, I decided to launch my website: meetgracemarie.com. From a practical standpoint of being unencumbered by a day job, the choice to use my birth name was surprisingly easy. However, I also considered the deeper implications: it dawned on me that being a sex worker and using one’s real name could be considered a kind of activism.

I don’t consider myself an activist with a capital “A”, I definitely have strong opinions and I certainly support others who are more vocal than myself on matters like this (such as Stoya and Melissa Gira Grant). But rather than a distinct political action, I experience activism as a series of nuanced gestures that express my being in relation to others. I’m interested in a kind of activism that takes place on a daily, almost banal, basis that pushes boundaries immersively, subtly; something that sinks in slowly and sticks.

Taking conscious action that could potentially change the shape of the inner landscape of myself or of those whom I come in contact with rather than attempting to shape politics in the world of laws has always felt more meaningful to me.

Using my birth name for work communicates to others that I have nothing to hide, that I am proud of what I do and also conveniently denotes a lack of paranoia (because let’s get real — if someone wanted to find out “who I really am,” that information is just a few mouse clicks away). This gesture also lets myself and others know that I, Grace, am accountable for what goes on inside the four walls of my work space. This level of integration is important for me as I run pretty close to the surface as far as my work and life goes. This is my art, my expression. This is who I am.

While the act of using my birth name for work inspires such feelings in me, this does not mean that all sex workers have to use their real name in order to achieve a sense of freedom or comfortability of self. Having a sense of pride about the work that one does and not having to worry about being “found out” by potential stalkers or employers all seem like pretty basic needs for anyone in any field.

Practically speaking, I can receive mail at my home without having to wonder what the neighbors think about a pseudonym on the package. I can answer my phone, greeting any caller with “This is Grace,” and not have to think about who is on the other end. I can smoothly interact with the gen pop and kinksters (when worlds collide!) without that clunky bit about juggling two names.

By using my real name for work I’m constantly sending myself, my clients, my family, and friends the message that I don’t have to hide, that I’m proud of who I am, and that there really is nothing to fear even if I happen to be a member of a marginalized group. I get to feel safe in a world that is never completely secure.

 

January 4, 2015

How I “lost” my “virginity” at 33, why race play terrifies me, and why I’ve decided to call myself out as a hypocrite

 

So many things! Between the holidays, a horrific motorcycle accident in my family, and moving house, I’ve had my hands full IRL, and things have been somewhat quiet over here at my blog. The good news is my holidays were joyous, nobody died, and I now live with two of the most badass, most visionary Dominas in Los Angeles. I truly believe that movement heals, and my recent physical move feels very healthy indeed. Sometimes we have to work from the inside out; moving out old baggage through play and BDSM has certainly changed my life for the better and I hope you enjoy my reflections on how my internal movement relates to my practice. Happy New Year and happy reading to you, kinksters! XO Grace Marie

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Photograph by Robert Neil 2011

The call always starts out kind of vague. “I’m into humiliation.” Or “I enjoy being dominated.” About two minutes in, I’m privy to the desires of the submissive and I’m also experiencing fear. I just wish this call would go away.

“Is it okay with you that I’m Indian?”
“Um, yeah, is it okay with you that I’m white?”
A chuckle, and then, “Do you think you are better than me because you are white?” “Noooo…. Oh, I get it. You’re looking for race play, right?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t do that. Sorry.”
“Thanks for your time.”
“Good luck.”
Click.

I grew up in a predominantly brown neighborhood where children in the schoolyard would ask me questions like, “Why do you have all those spots on your skin?” and “How come your eyelashes are white?” Then there’s my favorite, “Are you half Chinese?” I’m a white girl – a redhead with freckles and almond shaped eyes, so I look sort of Nordic. I grew accustomed to questions regarding my exotic appearance at a very young age and I easily relate to people who have been exotified and/or fetishized in some way.

Some of my dearest friends are QTPOC (Queer Trans People of Color), and I feel very lucky to be trusted by them. When I get calls requesting race play I think about my friends. What would they think if they heard me using racial slurs as part of a BDSM scene? What makes me an ally, and what could I do that would destroy that? I run away from these calls as fast as I can. What am I running from?

I’m all too aware that allyship isn’t an identity, and it’s certainly not an identity that I get to claim. Allyship is bestowed. My black and brown friends decide if I’m an ally. Even if I receive that honor, my whiteness and all the privileges that come with it don’t go away. If I’ve learned anything from Leticia Nieto’s
work it’s that rank can change, status doesn’t.

The truth is that I’m afraid of losing my rank as an “ally” because it would mean taking a risk and possibly losing some of my best friends whom I LOVE, a lot. Some of the conversations that I’ve had with one friend in particular have played such a huge role in my own liberation that I can’t imagine hurting this person on a soul level, so yeah, for me, race play isn’t going to happen on a whim.

Here’s the thing though, none of my scenes happen on a whim. What does it mean to be an ally as a professional practitioner of BDSM? Is my resistance to engaging in race play itself a form of racial discrimination? How would I feel about being denied if the tables were turned?

Rewind about a year and a half…. I’m making plans to fly from LA to Seattle to hang out with some friends. About two weeks before my flight I pop onto Craigslist Seattle and answer an ad in Men Seeking Women. The ad I decide to answer is basically a casting call for the female college girl in the “Professor fucks his young student” scenario and I’m answering this ad because I want to enact this fantasy, no strings attached, while I’m in the Seattle area.

I perform a background check on the man and we start sexting. As our sexting unfolds, I get younger, and younger, and younger still until I’m about 12 or 13 – the age I was when I first had sexual intercourse with a male while blacked-out drunk in a sad act known as “date rape”. I barely remember it, but I woke up with bloody underwear, that I hid, because I was afraid my mom would find out.

The thing is, I’m getting really turned on by our sexting, so Professor/Student evolves into Best Friend’s Dad/Little Girl. I tell him to pick me up from SEATAC (as a favor to my “parents” who happen to be “out of town” when I’m coming home from camp… I know, I know.) He asks me if I’ll wear a schoolgirl uniform on the plane. Concerned about consent from the nice JetBlue passengers, I say that I won’t.

I change into my whites and plaids in the backseat of his SUV as he drives to his house near the Ballard Locks. When we get to his place I “lose” my “virginity” to him while making little girl sounds and sucking my thumb. Afterwards, he mixes me a cocktail and we take his dog for a walk over the locks and through the gardens. On the other side of the water we eat fish and chips and make small talk.

I’m getting a bit grossed out at this point because he’s totally checking out young girls for real, but I’m also feeling really euphoric. I finally experienced losing my “virginity” on my terms, while completely sober and alert. Nobody can take that experience from me. I answered the ad. I performed the background check. I bought the condom. I created it and it’s mine.

As I sat there reflecting on what had just happened I started to think about language, and how I had always recounted the experience of “my first time.” I would tell people that I had “lost my virginity to rape.” Those are the actual words I said with my actual mouth. It’s bad enough to have the construct of “virginity” thrust upon you, but then “rape” too? “Losing it” felt like the ultimate failure. I wondered how that language must have shaped me for twenty years? I finally felt liberated—liberated from the construct of virginity and liberated from the tired trope of victimhood. Totally fucking free.

Age play, no problem! Race play, ummmm…. So yeah, this is the part where I’m calling myself out, or at least attempting to do so. Do I think I know what’s best for people of color, because I’M AN ALLY AFTER ALL? Am I a hypocrite? Who am I helping by keeping all the liberation to myself? Should I push past my need for approval, and try something that terrifies me, but could potentially be liberating and transformative for the submissives who keep calling?

I have no problem humiliating men who are looking for cuckold fantasies and small penis humiliation. Why not offer a safe and consensual environment for people of color to engage in race play? Is my resistance to race play, in fact, a form of racial discrimination? Could engaging in race play actually be considered a form of allyship?

There’s only one way to find out. I could take the risk of alienating friends. I could take the risk of having a bad session. I could become a better practitioner of BDSM for taking that risk. There’s really only one way to find out.

November 22, 2014

The Ten Dommedians You Need To Know

One of the things I love most about being a Domme is the laughter. I laugh at myself, I laugh with my colleagues all the time, and I absolutely adore laughing with (and sometimes at) my subs during session. With the holidays just around the corner, we could all use a good laugh. Who better to bring the laughs than a boss bitch, or better yet, 10 boss bitches? What is a “Dommedian?” A true Dommedian is someone who owns their power as a comedian, reshapes the comedic landscape in some way, and most importantly, doesn’t take shit from anyone.

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These nine ladies, and one honorable “man-tion,” bring it, so sit down, shut up, and pay attention to The Ten Dommedians You Need To Know.

1. Maria Bamford

Bamford hits my #1 spot so hard, and in so many ways, I don’t even know where to begin… Her candor in regard to mental illness, online dating, and religion is just spot on… She doesn’t present as very Dommy at first glance, but you know what they say… It’s always the quiet ones.

2. Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers is the Queen of Comedy. She clawed her way to the throne, stopping occasionally to do things like host the Tonight Show and put the unfashionable in their place. She kowtows to no one.

She even had the audacity to Domme Oprah’s diet. Yikes! I’ve put more than one sub on a diet, and I sincerely hope that banter was consensual.

3. Rosanne Barr

Domestic Goddess Rosanne Barr knows that without her benevolence you would live in filth, barely able to feed and clothe yourself. She will literally burn your house to the ground for failing to honor her as the mistress of the manse.

4. Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler is fearless. She says whatever she wants, is obviously very comfortable in her body, and takes a golden shower better than you ever will.

5. & 6. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

The power couple of network comedy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler bust through fourth walls and glass ceilings like the badasses they are. Channeling Statler and Waldorf, these bosses make it known that you should be “de-grateful” for their degradations. Wither under their gaze in the following CFNM scene of your dreams.

7. Tig Notaro

Tig Notaro is comedy’s “it” woman. Her timing is perfect, and I’m a sucker for that monotone delivery. Watch and learn as Notaro confronts the hot topic of street harassment for all you knuckleheads who clearly learned nothing from your mothers.

Tig Notaro is also, somehow, omnipresent — as evidenced by her ongoing run-ins with Taylor Dayne, who serenaded her on This American Life.

8. Amy Schumer

Ms. Schumer is the reason we can now hear the word pussy on Comedy Central. She’s also responsible for this gem:

And if you think that your Domme cooks up some deliciously evil games with you in mind, I guarantee Amy Schumer’s Cosmo style sex tips are far worse… In a bad way.

9. Carmeron Esposito

Her star is on the rise and so is her amazing side mullet. As a self-proclaimed high priestess of side hair, I’m qualified to say that it is the power haircut of the moment. Ms. Esposito is glamourous enough to be your woman, but rugged enough to be your man. This next clip reveals exactly how many fucks she gives about the male gaze. Guess how many?

10. Eddie Izzard

Eddie isn’t just a brilliant, intellectual comedian, he’s also comedy’s most famous transvestite. He owns his kink, fearlessly!

Also, he knows his classical conditioning and his cats. Meow and goodnight!

XO Goddess Grace Marie

October 19, 2014

“But Are You Lifestyle?” Smart Answers to Your Stupid Question

Sometimes I notice patterns in the world, and sometimes (okay, all the time) I have opinions about these patterns. Ever since I extended my BDSM practice to the public, I’ve noticed this one little question surfacing… again, and again, and again. Ever curious, I recently brought up The Question over dinner where three Pro-Dommes and two civilians were present. The three Dominatrices immediately responded to The Question with groans and deep sighs, mixed in with some amazingly epic eye rolling. The discussion that followed was so intellectually juicy, funny, and honest that I was inspired to write the following post… Enjoy!

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Photograph by Bob Maverick

“But Are You Lifestyle?” Smart Answers to Your Stupid Question

In my profession, I field a lot of calls and emails and I’m often asked by people who contact me through my website if I’m lifestyle. I typically respond by asking them “what do you mean by that?” The follow-up question is usually an equally underdeveloped version of the first, “Are you 24/7?”.

What these conversations eventually uncover is one of three things:

1. You want a free session, and a personal relationship to boot, with me (a person whom you’ve never met).

2. You have so many great slave skills and even though we’ve never met — and there is absolutely no context for this — you want to come into my home and clean it for free.

3. You have no limits, and are ready and willing to let me do anything I want to your body and/or your mind. Of course, you’re full of suggestions for what these things might be.

Once upon a time, I naively thought that these vaguely worded questions were meant to reveal whether or not I’m BDSM-oriented in my personal relationships. The answer to that particular question is emphatically yes. Yes, I have relationships with people whom I engage in kinky activities with. However, I don’t engage with very many people in such a way and I am very selective when it comes to close friends, play partners, and lovers.

Over time, The Question began to feel like a suggestion that I’m not really kinky at all, but willing to engage in all sorts of kinky things in exchange for money and therefore I’m not “real” or “lifestyle” as they say — a kind of litmus test of authenticity for Pro-Dommes.

In my not-so-humble opinion, the questioner approaches me with this very pointed question so that I don’t measure up to his projected, idealized fantasy of what a Domme is supposed to be like. In turn, he feels justified in his bitterness toward me for making money off my practice.

Seriously, guys?

To resent someone for having a successful practice — whether it be a law practice, a medical practice, a life coaching practice, or a BDSM practice — is missing the forest for the trees. Like all other professionals, I’m existing and practicing within multiple systems. If you possess an understanding that there are systems at play, and that we are all functioning within this matrix, then you can also understand that I have a very real need to make money in order to survive.

I’ve engaged in other types of work for money — I’ve sold my days as a carpenter, ceramic artist, preschool teacher, figure model, intensive behavioral intervention therapist, customer-relations manager, book scout/online book dealer, and performance artist. Surprisingly, Dominatrix is the only profession where my passion for my work is called into question due to the fact that I am not willing to do it for free — which is exactly what The Question “But are you lifestyle?” implies.

I believe that the insidiousness of this question mostly hints at a certain amount of ignorance in regard to systems. It’s also a direct hit from the patriarchy; one aspect of a larger intersection of systems bell hooks refers to as The Imperialist White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy. Among other things, the IWSCP says that if I’m a cisgendered woman, or a trans-feminine woman, I should give you (cis-men and trans-masculine men) a lot of my time and energy while you take up space, and naturally, my empathic dainty little self should ask for nothing in return (see: every movie ever made that failed the Bechdel test, and even some that passed).

Does my awareness of patriarchal values mean that I am some kind of a gold-digging, heartless, man-hater who can’t or won’t create and nurture relationships with my submissives outside of our transactions? Not unless you’re hiring me specifically to work that cold heartless bitch angle, no. In fact, I’m quite generous and congenial. I recently exchanged some lovely emails with one of my submissives. These emails had nothing to do with BDSM — our notes were all about DIY small batch distillation of certain types of liquor. He had gifted me a bottle of rye whiskey when we last met and our conversation flowed from there. I didn’t send him a bill upon wrapping up this pleasant exchange of words.

In fact, I find most of my submissives to be quite interesting, and if I should choose to engage in a deeper level of interaction it’s because I want to, not because I’m “lifestyle”. However, before we start emailing one another at length, I’m going to need to understand why I’m building a relationship with you. Context is everything, darling. If you found me through a Google search, a third party website, or an advertisement (ads cost money, btw), then our context for relationship is strictly professional in nature — or at least to start off with, anyway.

I wish that I could solve all the problems of patriarchy (and capitalism). And I more than wish that telling these presumptuous men to “just get real” would suffice, but people don’t really respond to “get real” when their whole premise is that I’m the one who isn’t real.

Fellas: if you’re about to ask me The Question, I invite you to take the focus off of me for a second… rise up, zoom out, and look again. It’s a system! Multiple systems even. So, in answer to your question:

“But are you lifestyle?”

Yes, darling. I’m a lifestyle capitalist. I was born into this, and so were you. Deal with it.

September 25, 2014

10 Things to Do (or Not Do) When Dating a Professional Dominatrix

My first ever(!) blog post comes on the heels of a crazy learning experience. I was trying to live with a lover after decidedly not doing that very thing for almost 10 years. Single again, I emerged from my adventure stronger, wiser, and excited to share some Domme-tips with all of you! I sincerely hope that this post helps you navigate the sexy (and sometimes not-so-sexy) waters of your relationship(s). Whether you’re dating a Pro-Domme or a civilian, I think you’ll find some gems in here that apply to you. XO

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Photograph by Anonymous

1. Don’t conflate the intimacy she has with her submissives and the intimacy she shares with you.
Just like a psychologist, a professor, or a gynecologist, Pro-Dommes get very close to a lot of people. It’s part of the reason we’re here in the world, and we’re extremely lucky to be loved by and share our gifts with so many. Our ability to connect with others so deeply does not diminish our connection with you. Remember to draw that distinction, and remember that your place in her heart is very special — you’ve made it this far, so that must be true.

2. Do relate to her job like it’s any other job, because (duh) it is.
We all have good days and bad days at work. The better half of your power couple may be energized by a session and want to play when she gets home from “the office.” Then again there are those days when she feels exhausted. She may want to peel off her latex catsuit before you even have a chance to think about how good it smells after a long sweaty day at the dungeon. She may want to order takeout and snuggle on the sofa with you while laughing about whatever is on Facebook at the moment. She may want to take selfies with her cat while decidedly avoiding all human contact for a few hours. Have some compassion for your special lady friend and give her the space she needs to decompress. So what if her energy is completely spent after doing sexy things all day? It doesn’t make you any less her partner for not getting to do sexy things with her at night. You will have sexy time soon… I promise.

3. Don’t be jealous.
This may sound unrealistic, and some of you may even like those butterflies in your belly (cuckolding fantasies, anyone?) However, it’s good to remember that insecurity is a relationship/sex/friend/everything repellent, and jealousy is often perceived as an extension of insecurity. If you fall into a dark abyss of brooding and self-loathing every time your partner has a good day at work, you will sabotage the relationship — guaranteed. Establish clear boundaries around how many details you want in regard to her work. The amount (and the type) of information desired is different for everyone — find the blend that’s right for you. Be happy for her when she’s happy in her work and relax — She’s coming home to you after all.

4. Do get creative when it comes to making plans.
Pro-Dommes are constantly coming up with juicy ideas to keep things interesting. Sometimes it feels really nice to have all the details of a fun date sorted out without having to lift a finger. Every healthy relationship requires give and take, so don’t feel like you always have to be the one making the effort and remember to give her the space and time to return the favor.

5. Don’t expect your life to be a non-stop BDSM fantasy.
You’re suddenly having the best sex you’ve ever had — Congratulations! Not everyone is getting such quality play, and you are one lucky pervert! What about the other 22 hours of the day? You know, there’s the laundry, the obligatory call she has to make to her mom, maybe she’s the mom and it’s her turn for the carpool. There’s also sleep, the gym, making art, paying bills, grocery shopping, and getting together with her friends. I could go on, but you get it. Just because your girlfriend is an amazing play partner doesn’t mean she’s able, willing, or eager to play all the time. Just because she isn’t constantly crawling all over you doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you — it means she’s a person with a life that includes her kink but does not revolve around it. Get real and be grateful.

6. Do understand that she is on-call most of the time.
Variety is a beautiful thing! It’s exciting when work changes from one day to the next — At least that’s true for me, which is probably why I don’t work in a cubicle somewhere in Iowa (My apologies if you happen to be reading this from your cubicle in Iowa). When dating a Pro-Domme, you’ll be much better off if you can remain flexible and flow with her ever-changing work schedule. My next tip will help you find some uninterrupted time with your popular sweetheart.

7. Do schedule time with her if you feel you need and/or want it.
“Pencil me in for 4pm on Friday” may not sound like the sexiest thing to whisper in her ear, but if there’s one thing a Pro-Domme is sure to check it’s her calendar. Request that she add date night to her daybook, and she’ll be there with bells on! Pair this tip with Domme-tip #4 and you’re good to go!

8. Do help her around the house.
It’s true:some of us have personal slaves (in which case this may not apply), but many of us do not. Keep in mind that we receive flowers and thoughtful gifts all the time. What are some things that our loyal submissives can’t give to us? It might not seem like the dreamiest of gestures, but putting away her clean laundry, or washing her dishes from time to time will pay off. Are you handy? Even better! Make her life easier in lots of little ways — my guess is she’s pretty observant and she will notice.

9. Don’t assume she will “figure out” what makes you tick because she’s a Domme.
I’m not encouraging you to top from the bottom, just let her know what you like and how you like it. The healthy (and sexy) balance between passive behavior and aggressive behavior is assertiveness. Be communicative and confident about your fetish(es), and she will probably get into (at least) a few of them.

10. Do play at the dungeon.
Why should everyone else have all the fun? Even if you don’t consider yourself very kinky or even submissive, you will find something at least mildly intriguing in that giant toy box she calls her office. If this very special lady of yours happens to switch with you, even better! She can’t make sweet animatronic love to herself with the saws-all! Am I right?

Okay kinksters, Thanks for reading! I hope that you have found this post revelatory or, at least, mildly helpful. Play safe and have fun!

XO Goddess Grace Marie